Around 4 years ago, someone relatively close to me at the time said something that hurt my feelings – and it has always stuck with me.
“I feel sorry for you Mel – because you’re not satisfied with a normal life – you always want more. I hope one day you find what you are searching for.”
After thinking long and hard about this exchange, I eventually came to realise what IT was that I wanted more of – what IT was that I was ‘searching for’ and why I wasn’t ‘satisfied’ in that chapter of my life.
It was a craving to be more free.
At the time this exchange took place, I was living in a town that made me feel trapped, and unbeknownst to her, in a relationship that also made me feel trapped too. Aside from that – I also felt trapped by my own ‘clean eating’ rules I had created for myself around food. I had a whole lotta trapped going on. Freedom was what I truly craved. Freedom to just BE myself. I had no idea how that even looked anymore – but I knew it was out there waiting for me, if I was brave enough.
But craving more freedom looked a lot to her, like not being satisfied or grateful for what I had already got.
Yes – I did want more. And no – I was not satisfied with what I had. Was I grateful? Yes. But I knew there was more for me ‘out there’. I couldn’t explain why or how I knew this – I just knew deep in my gut that I was not living in my truth.
Was that so selfish of me? Should I have just been more grateful with what I had already and just decided to get on with it? After all, I had a seemingly great life to any onlooker. I had a job some girls only dream of doing. I had the perfect house, perfect relationship, perfect life. How dare I want for more?
It was at this time in my life that I had the devastating realisation that although on the outside my life looked great – it didn’t feel as good on the inside.
And wow did that hit me like a ton of bricks.
Do you relate to this feeling at all?
The reason most of us aren’t satisfied is not that we’re not grateful for what we already have – it’s that we don’t feel free enough to be ourselves. We feel some degree of trapped – in our bodies, in our relationships, in our jobs, in our locations.
Look at where you feel any degree of trapped – this is where you most crave your freedom. Freedom to be more YOU.
The reason why we don’t feel satisfied – is we attach that freedom to an external thing, and think we have to ‘earn’ our freedom.
I know for a start that when I would diet and lose a few pounds, it was just never enough. NEVER was I satisfied. I had to lose five more pounds, then five more pounds, and then five more pounds JUST to be sure I wasn’t going to gain it all back (which of course I inevitably, always did anyway).
I felt trapped in my own body and what was it I thought weight loss would give me? What was it I so desired? Freedom.
In my mind losing five more pounds would make me more free. It would make me more free to be comfortable in my own skin, free to wear whatever I wanted, and therefore free to live the life I truly wanted for myself.
But the more and more pounds I dropped, the more I would ask myself – so when is this freedom feeling gonna come? I don’t get it – I lost the weight – why do I still hate my body? Why do I still feel trapped? Why do I still want to cover up with baggy clothes?
I had attached the reward to the outcome. I had attached freedom to the outcome – and it hadn’t come through.
Only did I find TRUE freedom in my own body – by allowing myself to simply BE FREE in the here and now – without attaching freedom to any ‘thing’ whatsoever. By allowing myself to simply BE free already in the body I had.
Let me elaborate – freedom is not something you have to achieve, or fight for, or earn. Freedom is not something that comes along with a number on a scale, or a salary, or something or someone else. Freedom is something you can claim more of, right now. I achieved freedom in my own body when I stopped dieting altogether, stopped trying to lose weight altogether and just DECIDED I was already free. I achieved freedom in my relationships by realising that I was already free – and the only person trapping myself was – me.
Do you believe that you are allowed to have freedom in all areas of your life?
Scary concept, right?
Do you believe you’re allowed to have it ALL.
Do you believe that you don’t ever have to settle?
Do you believe that you can have all the freedom in the world – on your terms?
Where is it you crave more freedom?
It can all be yours. The key to your own freedom is in your hands – and it’s not something you need to ‘earn’ or ‘fight for’ – it’s something that you can claim right now.
All my love
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