Do you hate seeing photos of yourself?
Do you dissect every photo of yourself that you see, scrutinise yourself, criticize your body, and tell yourself how fat and ugly you are?
Guess what. (No big surprises here ladies) – I did this for years.
I used to agonize over every photo of myself. Seeing a bad photo of myself would cause such stress, anxiety and self loathing. I would even go as far to say that a bad photo of myself would completely ruin my night.
How very sad indeed.
And let us not forget the female posing rules…
Is this my best side?
Does my arm look skinny at this angle?
Are my legs positioned right?
Is my belly sucked in?
Should I stick my bum out more?
Can you imagine if when your friend got out the phone to take a photo on a night out, you and your girlfriends actually just carried on having a great time, stood together and smiled like you meant it? Rather than popping your hip, positioning your legs, sticking an arm on your hip, before demanding that more photos be taken ’til you’re all happy?
(I’m totally still a little bit guilty of this ridiculous way of posing sometimes by the way, but I’m making a conscious effort to break the habit!)
In this blog post I want to give you some tips on how to approach photos of yourself from now on,
in a much more loving and helpful way.
It seriously disturbs me how I can look back at every single one of these old photos and immediately know exactly what I weighed at that time, what particular method I had been using to abuse my body, what diet I was on (or off), and mainly how I felt about myself when that photo had been taken.
I don’t remember the great times I had, the things people said to me, the hysterical belly laughs I had, or the fun, exciting memories. I mean – I do. But those memories are all overshadowed by how I felt. I should have been having the time of my life and loving every second of it. All the parties, the photoshoots, the events. But instead, I was consumed with self loathing. What a sad waste. I will never get that time back.
How I really felt when these 6 pictures were taken.
Top left – when I bought this dress it didn’t fit me, so I legit did not eat for 3 whole days to get the zip up.
Top middle – I had been bingeing and emotional eating a lot in the run up to this event, and had a huge anxiety meltdown about leaving the house this night. It’s a miracle I even made it out.
Top right – Calendar shoot. I don’t remember the excitement of doing this photo shoot, but I do remember extreme dread and panic, and how self conscious I felt. Also this photo is definitely NOT how I looked on the day – this is extreme airbrushing and photo shopping. The fact I was going to be on a calendar, and in a swimsuit – had caused me to have a total meltdown.
Bottom left – I was not healthy here at all, I was purging 3 times a day, and addicted to wearing one of those vibrating ab belts. So obsessed I had even brought my scales in my suitcase to Ibiza. These photos were sold to the Daily Mail and of course I went in and read each and every hurtful comment said about my imperfect body.
Bottom middle – Ryan had just come back from serving in Afghan for 5 months which meant I had been in complete self destruct mode. I felt like I couldn’t feel real joy from food until I knew he was home safe. I look at this photo now and I think I look completely vacant. At this point I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten a proper meal. I was living on liquids and had lost my period.
Bottom right – this was actually when I had began my journey of recovery. I was much happier in my life, was eating healthily but still tracking everything I ate. I was however, bingeing a lot less, and starting to try to actually accept myself. I had to really work myself up to wear this dress because it was so revealing.
How deeply depressing and self absorbed.
I showed these photos to my friend when I told her about this article I was writing, and she said that when she looks at these old photos of me, she doesn’t connect them with the Mel she knows today. “The Mel I know smiles with her eyes, and looks happy. In all these old photos you’re smiling, but in your eyes you look shit-scared or just really self conscious and uncomfortable.”
If you can relate to this, then I’m sure you too can look back at photos from a big family event, whether it’s Christmas or even a Wedding, and remember how you felt in your body.
Does it tarnish the happy memory the photo was supposed to be capturing?
Do you look at photos of happy memories and cringe instead of reliving it and feeling joy?
Photo credit Caroline WhiteHere’s my best 4 steps of advice to you if you relate:
1. Look at you as a WHOLE person. You are so used to picking yourself and your features apart, you have no idea how beautiful you are as a whole person.
2. Remember YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY. When did we become a nation of women who judged and critiqued ourselves purely on appearance?! Think about the people you love most in your life. I’m sure you think they are absolutely fricking gorgeous to you. Is it about their looks though? Do you care what shape their body, is or if they have a crooked smile in a photo, or if they have a belly podge? I’ll bet it doesn’t even cross your mind for a second. You are so much more than just your body. You are a unique, beautiful human, with so much to give in this lifetime. So much more than just the way your outer shell appears in one photo.
3. Take fewer photos of yourself. Be more present instead. I used to take a gazillion photos every time I went on a night out, but I actually have noticed recently that I will have a MUCH better night if I’m not taking constant photos. Sure, I still take a few. But way less than I used to. I try now to capture more feelings and experiences in the photos I do take.
4. Be present with your friends. Relish the entire experience. Did you have an amazing night with your best girlfriends? Did you dance ’til 3am? Did someone say or do something that night that had you in fits of hysterical laughter? Did you experience something incredible? Did you have a really special, heartwarming moment with a family member? Did you catch up with someone you love who you hadn’t seen in forever?
Don’t let yourself look back next month or next year at these photos having completely forgotten the evening apart from how you were sucking in your belly all night.
Make a commitment to go to events this party season and JUST have fun.
Focus on the memory-making moments and don’t let yourself get caught up in how you think you look, or how you can hide from the camera.
Go back and look at your photos (I bet you’ve been avoided your tagged photos folder on Facebook) and find ones that make you cringe a little, or you’d normally skip over because you think your belly looks too big, and rewrite that story.
Think about how much fun you had, how great it was to see your friends or to be there making new ones!
Re-write the memory in a positive light.
Don’t lose out on those memories because you’re consumed with thoughts around your food or your weight.
Those beautiful, real experiences only come around once.
Mel XO
I honestly thought I would click on this report and see you a size 16-18, possibly bigger, how wrong was I!! I actually feel a million times worse now after reading this. You’ve gone on like you were huge but in reality you were/are tiny! You’ve said you’ve scrutinised yourself but what was there really to scrutinise? I am a size 14-16 and that’s after a long drawn out battle that’s still ongoing with my weight. I don’t want to read your articles anymore, I’m throughly upset by this one as I’m sure many other will be too
Hi Nicola, I’m so sorry you feel upset. The whole point I am trying to make with my message is it doesn’t matter what dress size you are, or what you weigh. Self esteem and body image issues affect women (and men) of every shape and size. If you’re deeply unhappy in your own skin then you’re not happy – and that’s the work at hand. I teach positive body image, self love and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I fluctuated across 3-4 dress sizes and struggled with binge eating, emotional eating and bulimia. This is my truth and I share my experiences in the hope that people will learn the lessons I have learned along the way. Sending lots of love and again I’m sorry if I have offended you in any way. X
I look at all those photos of you and think you look beautiful in every one of them, but to hear you talk about how you felt and what you were eating or not eating at the time is a HUGE eye opener. The bikini picture in the sea made me feel like I wish I looked like that in a bikini, but I know now I’m not willing to make the negative emotional and physical sacrifice to look what I consider perfect. I want to look good but feel great too. I have 2 daughters, the eldest is 12, and I’m trying to make sure that she realises that all the photos she sees in magazines are not true representations of what the girls actually look like and to not become self absorbed in eating, but to make good decisions. You’re really helping me, Mel with your openness and honesty. Thank you xx
Thank you so much Nicola, you’re absolutely right – and it reinforces the fact that you never really know the truth behind the photos! It’s so important to feel good in your body, and be healthy – completely regardless to how that looks on the exterior. Being at war with yourself is so much more unhealthy than what dress size you take. I think you’re setting a great example to your daughters too. So glad this was a help, thank you for taking the time to read. XXX
Amazing post Mel, it’s not easy to be so honest and I admire your courage. We are all guilty of this and your key point of being more present is something I have also become so much more aware of lately > I made the decision to delete my Instagram account and to not take pictures all the time. The most freeing decision in a long time 🙂 Keep these posts coming, you are truly making a difference.
xoxo, Kristel
Hi Kristel, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! <3 Glad you're more aware and taking steps to become more present. Life is so great when we aren't consumed by those feelings! Lots of love xxx
You’re so welcome, I really enjoyed the post and it was such an eye opener (because of the fact that you look gorgeous on each one of the photos)!! Live is indeed so great when we enjoy what we have, instead of constantly wanting to *show* what we have. I have taken a step back from social media this year and it has truly increased the quality of my life! Looking forward to your next post. xxx
Hi Mel,
Thank you so much for another fantastic blog. Every single one has helped me so much…it’s like you can get inside my head!! ☺️ I too have struggled with the ‘never feeling enough’ feeling for too many years and always striving to be slimmer, more toned…etc, etc! scrutinising every body part to the point i avoided having photos taken for a long time because I dreaded looking at them. I only wish I knew throughout my 20s what you helped me see at the age of 30. Thank you so much and keep up the brilliant work. You have such a positive impact on so many women’s lives. Thank you, Amy x
I have to apologise!! I was far to quick to pass judgement earlier and for that I’m truly sorry! We are so quick judge others and I have just proven this fact. I just saw red and didn’t actually allow your article to digest before I commented. The thing is I think it came down jealousy,I’m looking at these photos of you thinking this womaniser amazingly beautiful how can she possibly feel so rubbish about her self?! But I’ve sat and I’ve really thought about it and I can actually appreciate that this is a feeling, our brains are telling us we don’t look right, aren’t beautiful, too fat,too ugly, the list goes on. I am fat, there’s no doubt about that but just because I have the weight to agree with my thoughts doesn’t mean that someone who isn’t fat can’t also have those thoughts. I really hope I didn’t upset the things you have been doing, you’ve clearly been making an impact on people’s lives and I hope I haven’t impacted on that role you’ve taken. I really am sorry, to you and any of your readers too. Sorry xx
Thank you so much for reading Amy, I’m inside your head because my head used to run exactly that way!!! Haha! I’m so pleased at 30 you’re now realising you are enough – MORE than enough just the way you are. Thank you again for taking the time to read and comment ! <3 Such Goddess light beaming through the laptop XXX
Totally true! Social media is something I’m working on myself and struggle to loosen a grip of because of work – but it’s definitely something that needs attention. That’s exactly why I wanted to share the photos – to anyone else I’m sure they see a happy, in shape, glam woman with no idea the battles and meltdowns that were going on behind the scenes. Thanks again and sending so much love xxxx
Thank you so much, that apology means the world to me. I really respect you for doing that. You’re totally right – we are constantly fed the idea that ‘Thin equals happy’ but the reality is, I get hundreds of messages in my inbox from girls that are ALL shapes and sizes – from dangerously underweight, to catwalk models, to professional athletes, to women who are overweight – Body image, eating issues and body battles affect everyone regardless of shape or size – it takes no prisoners. It reinforces my core message – that a number on the scale, or a number on the dress you wear, does NOT guarantee you happiness or acceptance. That is the inner work we must do ourselves, and what it has become my mission to teach. Once again thank you so much for coming back on to comment, I so appreciate that. XXX
Hi Mel, thank you for sharing. You Goddess you!! 🙂
Actually crying here! I have completely shocked myself that I was able to think that way and truth be told I’m utterly ashamed of myself for doing so. We all get so wrapped up in our own little world and believe that no one could possibly ever feel the way ‘i’ do. My own battle with my weight has also tarnished my outlook on other people’s lives and problems. I’m so unhappy in myself that I started to not give a sh*t about others. In a way I’m glad I commented my awful comment because it’s been a real eye opener.
Thank you for being so lovely and accepting of my apology. I will continue to read your blogs and I hope I can continue to ‘grow’ with your help. Thank you xx
Amazing post! I’m trying to look back on pictures of myself and think about the memories, over what I look like. When I’m old and gray, I’ll remember how that ice cream on the beach tasted, not that I felt like my stomach was bulging over my bikini. I’ll remember what it was like to laugh with my friends, not the fact that my dress hit my shoulders the wrong way. What we look like doesn’t reveal what’s underneath. That’s a lesson I’m trying to teach myself. It’s hard, but it’s so worth it.
Hi Mel – I’m a single guy who can identify with a lot of what is in your piece. I’m 31 and have never seen a photo of myself i didn’t feel sick looking at. I’ve read countless articles, tried casual selfies, and even had a professional photographer take a set of shots. All of them are categorically awful. I have no – and will never post – any photos of myself anywhere online (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), which makes online dating an impossibility for me. I completely understand why the vast majority of women won’t interact with a guy who has no photos online, which is why I don’t put up a profile. I know its unusual for a guy to post here, but if you have any thoughts, I’d welcome them.